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11:19pm 04/03/2007
 
mood: creative
So Sears is over, I believe. It was fun despite the rush of it all. I feel as though I have accomplished more than just helping to put on a play.

I'd like for Spring to come sooner, I feel less lethargic. Snow makes me feel damp and hibernation-mode sets in.

I'm going to take some time getting back inside my head. If that makes any sense. I would like to use my time for more important things than stress.

I had a good time at the cast party for Scientific Americans, it reminded me of my youth. Ha ha. Garlic bread and affection ruled the rest of the weekend, and now I sit here, wondering what this next week shall bring me.
Perhaps some peace.

I'm going to bed now. Thinking about creative things I don't normally think about. Hoping that I've re-discovered the creative void I always had the urge to fill. Hope that didn't sound too sexual. Goodnight.		  
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05:38pm 20/12/2006
 
mood: worried
I need to stay up all night, tonight and tomorrow. No sleep for 48 hours can't kill you. Can large doses of caffiene kill a person? Just wondering. I have left basically all my summatives to last minute, and am facing the lovely consequences.

G found work for over the break. Good for him. If only I had such a work ethic.

I cut up a dress with roses painted on the front. Now it's a shirt. Safety-pinned of course. It's kind of cute, I must say.

I've been eating lately as if I'm going into hibernation. It has to stop. I don't think more than one fast food meal a week is very good for you, and I've had at least three. Eugh, I can see the fat forming inside my skin when I think about all the grease I've consumed.


The holidays don't bother me much. Kind of wish we had a bit of snow, it would certainly put me in a more festive mood. Christmas is a time of loved ones and booze and gifts. Stress has no place in my two weeks off. Two sleeps nights till break, thank the little baby Jesus, asleep in his little crib.		  
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09:03pm 07/12/2006
 
mood: meh
Had breakfast with ♥ today, it was nice. I wish he were more responsive, but they're supposed to be strong and silent, right? Whatever, he gives me what I need. And he's also a bit crazy. So it works.

I love the new snow. I only love snow for a short while, so I love it as much as I can during that time period. I've taken to cutting across the field between classes, rather than be shoved to and fro by the mass of students in the too-small hallways. The snow crunches and flutters and I enjoy it.

Going to a concert on Saturday with ♥. I get to see Protest The Hero in a very different environment than their previous shows I've attended, and it shall be our first concert together. I hope it's fun, and that he gets to jump around a lot. His mohawk is getting long. One of the only guys who looks sweeter with a hawk, than tougher.

Yeah, it's all I can talk about basically. I just don't want to talk about school, or she-who-shall-remain-unnamed. I want to talk about the tangible and the wonderful, and his name is Graham.

Other than that, I've got a summary on Love in the Time of Cholera to write and a tangerine to eat, so peace be with you.		  
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08:27pm 30/11/2006
 
mood: optimistic
I'm filled with coffee, which is probably why I'm making this inane entry. Actually, being too caffineated is probably the reason for a lot of silly stuff I do.

I was given a new cell phone today, the other has passed away, from water damage. It met the untimely end just like my Tamagotchi did back in the day. Except that one was due to a melted poptart. I hate cellphones, and now the boyfriend has one, which makes having one somewhat imperative. Just another way the government can track me down and follow me, although I've no idea why they would want to do that. I'm not some suspicious terrorist-like person, and I'm not privy to top-secret info. I suppose I'll just stick with the notion that they give you brain cancer.

I have a wonderful minidress on today, that I can't help but make a comment on. It is kind of hounds-toothy (a good word, I say) and it reminds me of ska for some reason or another. It recieved many a compliment and many a strange stare, which is usually what my clothing creates: awe and suspicion. I'm not bragging, I'm just saying. Either people like my style or they think I'm a loony. "Cowboy boots?! What?!!! That girl is just nuts!"

I realized what a copy cat I am, when I was watching an old No Doubt video yesterday. She (Gwen) has obviously left an imprint on my mind that has inspired my twisted love of polka-dot dresses. I wish she wasn't such a crazy coke head fashion victim nowadays, but it must get hard, playing that ultra-fun tomboy type gal in a band sometimes. Karen O, Emily Haines, Deborah Harry, etc. I feel for you, although I would also love to live any of your lives for a day. I think being the female center piece of a band would be quite fun and liberating. Like Joan of Arc commanding an entire army of men. Yes. Just like Joan. Which reminds me of Joan Jett. And so many other kickass women who rock the main stage. I suggets many of you thank them for their bravado and courage, for I doubt we would be as cool today had it not been for those women who decided that there's no COCK in ROCK.

I have to admit something, among friends. Kind of like those alcoholics, Hi, My name is Brittney. And I'm... a YouTubeaholic. *sob* It's true. I am on there whenever I go online, because frankly, what is a better reason for the internet than to share with others the strange happenings of your life. I don't post on the tube, let's get that clear. But I watch, oh do I ever watch. I'm a fan of Anti-War rallies, and person-on-camera confessions. I feel very voyeuristic, but then again, isn't our society one big voyeuristic pervert, peeking through the proverbial curtains? (Wow, Brit, that's deep)

Anyways, after two cups of no-cream, triple-sweetner, I'm pretty much as jacked up as I'll ever be at work. On a good note, the girls who hang out here are fans of mine. It's because I treat them as my equals (very important with teenagers). Other good things about working here? The earnest skateboarders who glance almost inperceptably in my direction, tres mignon. The fact that I get to fuck around online and watch Henry Rollins spout anti-Bush nonsense (man, that guy is INTENSE). Oh yeah, and free coffee. What more could a girl want (besides a smoke)?

So, friends, here we are again, at the end of an entry. Do I have any words of wisdom? Don't take yourself too seriously. Some people believe themselves to be untouchable, infallible (word?). This is not true. They are neither above nor below you. They are your equal. And you, theirs. I don't mean to make a joke of yourself. But don't look down upon those that surround you, with disdain or contempt or hatred even. Because they are just struggling along like the rest of us. Don't take yourself too seriously or you're bound to fall on your face and be admitted to the loser club eventually, just like the rest of us.

That's all, I think. Caffiene is evil.		  
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05:15pm 23/11/2006
 
mood: content
I'm wearing a wonderfully flouncy (word?) polka-dot dress today, it's very sweet looking. I think I have an unnatural addiction to polka-dot dresses. Is six too many? No, of course not.

I said hello to Tom in the hall today, and he acted as if I weren't there. This says many a thing, but mostly that he's just as immature as when I was with him. Truly, I am better off.

I came to work just in time to hear "Tangled Up in Blue" by Dylan. It definitely added an air of peace to my evening. When I listen to him all I can see is sunlight and I feel as if I've stepped into a time loop, where political interest and quirky good looks were still relevant.

Have you ever been in love? And if so, is the feeling one you can describe? I've written a few poems on the matter, and they are so idealistic and heartfelt, it seems that love is so frivolous a feeling. Strange that many say it is the reason for living. Do I believe this? Yes, but there is always room for questions. (By the way, I am in love. With his warm green eyes and his strength and his straight forward approach to so much in life. I even love the way he's shy in big social situations, and the fact that he hates pretty much every food I gorge myself on. It's amazing how such different souls could find courtship in one another. Love, a mystery to me.)

I saw Sarah's apartment today, it was all wood floors and metal heaters and light streaming in through the windows and rooftop views of the Main area. The potted plants and tiny kitchen, they're all reminiscent of a future I've yet to experience. But they are a reminder nonetheless, that spur me in the direction I've dreamt about for ages, and will continue to do so, until they become my stucco-walled reality.

I'm not sure why I've recently become livejournal-friendly again. Most likely the lack of guttersluts around I suppose, they are sparse these days. It's nice to hear the sound the keyboard makes as I tap away at it, that I like.

I broke into an orange today, and realized they were my favorite fruit. I could bathe in the smell, paint everything orange, eat nothing but segment after segment until I burst open with citrusy innards. Vitamin C overdosing is also the topic of one of my essays. What a funny thing to call eating too many citrus fruits.

I bought a lovely little pipe today at the Lotus. It looks like brown marble, and has a pink flower painted on the top. The bowl isnt very big, but I'm sure it'll pull cool and hard, like it should. I can't wait to toke it for the first time, speeding down Greenlane, Graham's constant Nirvana blasting away my brain cells.

That's all for now, my friends. I'll leave you with a thought: Never allow the past hurts of your life to interfere with creating a new future for yourself. Say hello to someone who you no longer speak to, and be surprised with their reaction. Indulge yourself in the simple act of being nice and not expecting anything in return.		  
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09:23pm 17/11/2006
 
mood: working
So I have an 80 average, for the first time Ever. It's a funny feeling, like now that I'm getting decent marks I couldn't give a shit.

Just waiting for my shift to be over, so I can go to Scottapalooza and drink the rest of my Sourpuss. I love sour things. I made him a sweet sign for his birthday and got him some condoms. I figure that's a good gift for any teenager. Am I right?

Haven't seen Graham in a while, but getting used to it. I think getting used to it is good, but also a little worrisome. I mean.. if I'm used to it, he must love it. Or something to that extent. Maybe I'm just crazy and he misses me as much as I miss him. I forget what his embrace feels like.

I took a nap and noone found me, it was pretty sweet. My left wisdom hole is aching, probably shouldn't have immedietly started smoking after surgery (duh).

Watched Hard Candy yesterday, what a wonderfully diabolical film. All about a girl who tortures a would-be pedophile. Very satisfying. Amazing to see a teenager play such an evil-ly-delicious role. Makes me wonder if I could inact such pointless pain upon another human.

The waiting is what's killer. Waiting for this shift to end. Waiting for Graham to visit. Waiting for this semester to end. Waiting to apply for university (blegh).

Smoked a joint with Kelly today. I'm falling in love with that girl, she's more than many combined. I feel a true sense of understanding and clarity when I look into her eyes, it's amazing.

Going to see a couple of the Guttersluts tonight hopefully. We will laugh and smoke and talk of others and their silly ways. It will be long awaited, and therefore wonderful.

I suppose I should go get Paint It Black and read in the corner, so noone can hear me pass wind. I hate farting, it's so wrong. Why can't I just burp instead. At least people find burps amusing, when you fart you're disgusting. Even though everyone does it. I will never understand.		  
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06:44pm 19/10/2006
 
mood: meh
It's all in my head. Thinking about you, I wonder what you think when I'm not around. If I'm too much. If you wish I wasn't around so much. I don't know. It's all in my head.


Work is easy. School is lame. Graham is Graham.


I want some weed.		  
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09:25pm 18/10/2006
 
mood: cheerful
I'm wearing the blue feather earrings Tom got me back when he was my boyfriend. I still laugh, thinking about the months I spent with that excuse for a boy.

I fucked off school for the past couple days. Needed a mental health break. Sex and drugs and sleep always fill the void that appears now and again.

I love hillbillyrock. I want to put my hair up and put on some red heels and swing dance my ass off. Perhaps I'll teach Graham how to dance, what little I know.

I've decided that if I die sometime soon, I want to be burried in my cowboy boots. You read that all? Burried. Cowboy boots. I also suggest the guttersluts are in charge of what's ingraved on my grave stone. That would be classic.

I'm getting used to the idea of leaving this place. There really isn't that much Newmarket can offer a girl. Or anyone for that matter. The place breeds stoners and strip malls. And unless I want to be a perma-stoned employee at a dollar store forever, I need to get the fuck out of here. And soon.		  
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06:44pm 12/10/2006
 
mood: so much homework + coffee = AH
Things are piling up, like they seem to do around now. I don't have money anymore, it's either feast or famine with me.

Found a sweet thermal in the lost and found. Don't judge me, its clean.

Graham and I found our hippie costumes at Value the other day. He looks so adorable in his vest. Afterwards we went to the mall, smoked a big joint hippie style, and walked around. I didn't see anyone but him. It's amazing, the most ridiculously-dressed couple in the mall, feeling the least selfconscious. Mmm, I can almost feel his lips on my shoulder now.

My head hurts. I want some Advil and to eat my Lean Cuisine.		  
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05:14pm 06/10/2006
 
mood: contemplative
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, things happen to remind you of something you had forgotten. Sometimes, things happen that probably shouldn't. But you have to learn what you can, and then look forward. Look forward and don't look back. Don't look back.


The universe is circular, and I've put myself into a very awkward turning motion, but I'm not scared. I'm in control. I know now that though I may feel unsure at times, I control every last bit of my world.

Don't let go for fear of being ignored. Hold on, don't take for granted the power of a temporarily forgotten feeling.		  
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11:04pm 03/10/2006
 
mood: stoned
Im back to where I began
so lost for so long
and where had she really gone to?

hell and back
no
justice prevailed where it belonged
so long
she said

and just like that
she lost that sweet hope and words like shimmering nectar
abandoned her amazement at life
and took a lengthy joyride
around the amusement park of denial

but it feels so circular,
when you remind yourself of who you were
and then you realize
who you are
feels the same


i feel as if i have lived many lives in the course of a few years, and i am only beginning to see the future

love lost yet not forgot
here she lies for all to see		  
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09:55pm 30/09/2006
 
mood: bored
I'm working right now. Teenagers are bastards. This is worse than babysitting. But whatever, it's a paycheck.

Graham's home tonight. Lets not get too excited though, cos we know what happens then. Nothing.

School is school as I figured it would be, nothing more or less. It was lonely at first but now it just is.

I'm quitting smoking tomorrow. When I do, I wonder if things will seem better. I wont have somewhere to run away to when the kids get too annoying though.

Remember, whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.		  
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10:56pm 18/08/2006
  I'm too frightened of the future to think of anything except this moment. Right Now, I am doing something impulsive because I have nothing else to do before September 5th but party and forget that I have the next five years to die.

Anyways. Grahsm here. Have to stop.
Bye
Please pLease pLease ,me		  
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12:33am 15/07/2006
 
mood: crappy
change ( P ) Pronunciation Key (chnj)
v. changed, chang·ing, chang·es
v. tr.

To cause to be different: change the spelling of a word.
To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform: changed the yard into a garden.
To give and receive reciprocally; interchange: change places.
To exchange for or replace with another, usually of the same kind or category: change one's name; a light that changes colors.

To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch: change methods; change sides.
To transfer from (one conveyance) to another: change planes.
To give or receive the equivalent of (money) in lower denominations or in foreign currency.
To put a fresh covering on: change a bed; change the baby.

v. intr.
To become different or undergo alteration: He changed as he matured.
To undergo transformation or transition: The music changed to a slow waltz.
To go from one phase to another, as the moon or the seasons.
To make an exchange: If you prefer this seat, I'll change with you.
To transfer from one conveyance to another: She changed in Chicago on her way to the coast.
To put on other clothing: We changed for dinner.
To become deeper in tone: His voice began to change at age 13.

n.
The act, process, or result of altering or modifying: a change in facial expression.
The replacing of one thing for another; substitution: a change of atmosphere; a change of ownership.
A transformation or transition from one state, condition, or phase to another: the change of seasons.
Something different; variety: ate early for a change.
A different or fresh set of clothing.

Money of smaller denomination given or received in exchange for money of higher denomination.
The balance of money returned when an amount given is more than what is due.
Coins: had change jingling in his pocket.
Music.
A pattern or order in which bells are rung.
In jazz, a change of harmony; a modulation.
A market or exchange where business is transacted.

Phrasal Verb:
change off
To alternate with another person in performing a task.
To perform two tasks at once by alternating or a single task by alternate means.

Idioms:
change hands
To pass from one owner to another.
change (one's) mind
To reverse a previously held opinion or an earlier decision.
change (one's) tune
To alter one's approach or attitude.		  
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11:52am 15/06/2006
 
mood: frustrated
so nobody sees much of me anymore. especially not myself. my friends wonder where i am, my family wonders where i am. i wonder where i am. this absense is not always physical. i am mentally absent from life, days wash over me like soap and water, but i never feel any cleaner. i am a failure, and a hoper, and a fucker, and a girl who has no idea what she wants out of life. i am not selfish, i am investing thought in myself, asking myself questions that i've been able to ignore with the help of dope and sleep. i can't ignore these things anymore. i am not proud of myself sometimes, and i hate myself at others. i mask my fright with an overly confident overly obnoxious overly sexual overly overness that must kill people sometimes. because i'm an okay gal. i'm just fucking lost inside my own head, and the easiest fixes are the ones i'm gonna take. there aren't any directions for where i'm going. i need to repent and renew and redeem. i need to stop ignoring and stop masking and stop wishing for better days. i want more than your sex, and that smoke, and fretful sleep filled with images of the things i ignore while i am awake. i love my friends and family and i want them to know that just because i'm not here right now doesn't mean i'm not desperately trying to find my way back. because i am, just give me time. because i'm trying, just hold my hand.		  
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You can't scoop scooped noodles.   
10:38pm 30/05/2006
 
mood: proud
Right around now I like to do this little thing I call plus and minus. My grade four teacher always made us do these lists in class, about the positives and negatives of a situation. So I figure I should apply some of what Mrs. Newby (with her furry armpits and all) taught me, and asses my situation.

+ I found out that I've been nominated for a Heida for Best Female Lead for my performance in "Split"(this is a cheesy high school version of an oscar, but hey, I'm kind of psyched to be honored for something I love to do).

- I'm failing all of my classes. Now I know this seems monstrous and depressing next to that silly Heida award, but I'm going to try to pull myself up to passing grades in the next three weeks. Oh, forever shall I be a slacker with no ambition? Probably not.

+ I have sweet romance up my sleeve, and I should probably leave it at that. But not just any boy will dip you when they kiss you goodbye.

- I am without money. This makes me a big bum, and unable to support either my rampant habits or obligatory things*. I must find a job, but am right now in no way interested in finding one. Stupid, lazy Crackwhore.

+ Prom is this week, and I have the classiest motherfucking leopard print dress, and sexy-ass matching shoes. These, and a swig of gin, is all I need to make this silly dance a rockin' time. I have my ladies to dance with, and bad music to dance to. We're arriving in stellar old cars. I can't fucking wait.

++ After-Prom: Camping for three days with some of my bestest buddies. Tent-sharing, beer, swimming, campfires, hot dogs, s'mores, hash, sleeping outside, bugs, wonderfulness.

- I got a ticket* for drinking in public (130 big ones). Busted in the Wonderland parking lot, and am not allowed to return (unless I write a letter of apology, pussies).

+ I'm about to go have a smoke and read more of that fucking addictive A Million Little Pieces, and maybe some juice, and I'll probably also dance a little in celebration of my nomination.

<3		  
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10:21pm 18/05/2006
 
mood: chipper
You said "Alright", and then I said "Okay". So I suppose that's what it is.




I'm going to pretend like I'm going to die next year, and then live it up for now. I am going to rock it prom-style, and camp my face off, and run away to Montreal in July, and volunteer at Hillside (hopefully) and see Feist and Broken Social Scene in the summer with Jackie and dance throughout it all. And you're only ever going to see a blur of my figure, dancing away to my next adventure. Because what else do I have when I'm failing all my courses, and have no job, and no one holding me back. There aren't any strings attached, and soon enough there will be even less. So, that's that. I want summer. I want the clouds to fuck right off and let me enjoy what I'm hoping will be my last great hurrah. Before I die, of course.


I don't want to return to high school. I'm a big fuck up. There, I said it. But since I'll be dead next year, it wont matter. Dead, fifth year. Same difference.		  
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05:52pm 16/04/2006
 
mood: contemplative
I see so much hope in the skies, and I don't care that sometimes I'm just a deranged hippie, wandering aimlessly, in search of her next high (be it spiritual or physical). I spent the night with angels, who whispered my secret wishes into your ears, and even though you didn't quite hear them, I am surrounded by a pulsating choir of plan and hope and sweet opportunity. I always feel this way around this time of year. It's the growth and vodka my aunt slips so stealthily into my drinks at sunday dinner. It's the flowers that decorate my hair and brain, and the 5 in the morning beer that feels warm inside. I'm done pretending that life isn't exactly what I need. I allowed myself to drift, scared of letting go of you, the memories now so soft focus and inarticulate in my mind. But I found my way, I see this brilliant sparkling path of champagne and forget-me-nots and johnny cash songs, and so I hum while I stumble down it, towards my something else, my renewal. I adore spring time, because it annually restores my faith. It bestows upon me the chance at a greener, warmer, more peaceful state of mind. It reminds me that winter was what you were, and now summer is what I am to become.		  
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10:36pm 11/04/2006
 
mood: blah
I lost my job today. Interesting how I truly don't care. I need something besides rehersal and drugs and school.		  
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11:04pm 06/04/2006
 
mood: headachey
I am feeling more or less like a shadow of my previous self. This lamb who has grown back her wooly, protective coat, just in time for spring. No shears anymore, to strip her of doubt, to shave her clean of worry. Those scissors have long ago left the building. No, my lover will NOT be something furry. For I haven't one.

I sit in a dim room, chugging back unsweetened bliss (coffee) and I ponder on the idea of rewinding. Tearing apart the memories that form this sad sheep, and rebuilding her into something that does more than graze and baa, meaninglessly. She will be, perhaps, a horse, whose tail refuses to be brushed. She will gallop freely, and snub her nose at apples and sugar cubes, refusing to be coerced. She will be a snarly mare, and she will sing her neigh-song into the breeze.

I am filling in the blanks with my 12 pack of colours, and I am going outside of the lines. And I don't need anyones white-out to correct my mistakes, because pictures shouldn't be perfect. Shirts should be stained, and hands should be sweaty. Eyes should be honest, and hearts should try their best not to close in on themselves.

You shouldn't listen to the silly, heavy handed masses. You should be listening to that tiny lamb inside, baaegging to not be turned into a sweater, size small.

You should invent yourself behind the scenes, and then expose yourself willingly, under a sea of bright lights.		  
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